Is anyone in my corner?

Friday 18th October, 2013. 

Funny thing life is. Funny thing what friends are. Funny thing what trust means. 

I don't really know what the point of this post is, i think its because at this time, at this very moment, I have never felt as alone as I do right now. 

This week has been interesting, I think that's the best word to describe it. I could use words like complicated, repetitive, constant, battle between heart and head, emotional, but why? It's not as if anyone considers my feelings first anyway. No matter how 'good' I try to be, people just continue to see the things that I fucked up on. I get it, I fuck up. A lot. But I'm only human, and yet I don't hold every single fuck up over your head do i?

For the past couple of months I have been missing someone who made me feel that I wasn't useless, that I didn't fuck up every single day of my life, someone who cared yet every morning I go to school with a smile on my face and put on this act so that no one sees the way I truly am. Truth is, I'm heartbroken. No matter how much I tell myself that "he isn't worth it" or "you'll find someone better, someone who wont leave so unexpectedly", I'm constantly reminiscing on the way he used to hold my hand when we walked down to my house those early morning, the way he'd always ask how I was, how he'd always have an instant coffee with no sugar, no milk, just hot water and coffee, the way whenever I'd go to move from when we were cuddling he'd always pull be back down. All that romantic stuff aside, I miss him. I miss the talks, the long conversations until 3am, the hour long Skype sessions, just having a person who I knew would always be in my corner.

Its a funny thought though, that you think you have so many people who will always back you up and be in "your corner' yet when it comes down to it, you have nobody at all. Maybe its the fact that I'm loud more then I'm quiet, or that I scream every Friday around 1pm when Glee is on in America and I'm torn between waiting until I get home to watch it and be spoiler, or jump on twitter and see what everyone is saying. It could be these little things that people at school just think I am all the time, or maybe it's just the plain fact that maybe I'm not that good of a person that I think i am. Maybe I'm not there for my friends, or my family, or for anybody who needs someone to vent to or ask for advice, maybe it's all my fault that this year is just crumbling like an avalanche that has no purpose of stopping anytime soon. Maybe I was just meant to be back stabbed and hurt and not thought of in all my friends eyes. Maybe they think that just because I don't show weakness at school they can treat me the way they do and I'll still be there. But the thing is, I don't know how much longer I can handle sitting in a group and feeling that I don't belong there. Maybe my path in life or thoughts or whatever the fuck my brain is doing is telling me that I need to open my voice, but I'm scared. I'm scared of seeming weak, because the second I open my mouth is the second the water starts leaking from my eyes.

God, this entire post is all over the place at the moment but hey, so is my life.

I could go on forever and maybe these posts will start to become more constant now in hope there is one person out there that can relate to how I'm feeling.

I don't even know anymore.

All i know is that i just want last year back.

To whoever has read this, thank you for listening and please if you ever want someone to talk to, come speak to me. I'm a quite a nice person once you break my shell.

Until next time,

Jessica.

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