You've got something I need...

"It takes a strong person to realise that how they're being treated isn't just and an ever stronger person to get the fuck out of there and stand up for themselves…"

2014, what can I say? You've already had your pros and cons, but i think i've finally come to realise that I'm okay with it. In the past 2 weeks, I have learnt things about myself and my so called 'friends' that I wouldn't of know if I hadn't of gone through hardships, but when it comes down to it, the only person you need is yourself.

Fuck the people who judge you or try to make you change, and to the people who try to make you a different version of yourself who the fuck do you think you are? I'm me, 100%, if you don't like it then by all means please leave my life because honestly I don't need you if you certainly don't need me.

Don't get me wrong, I honestly am the luckiest girl in the world right now. I have such a great support behind me and a very special someone who always knows how to pick me up when I feel down but at the end of the day, I'm the one that has to wake up in the morning and start each day over and over again…

The whole 'final year of high school' thing really is the only thing motivating me to get my ass out of bed and try my hardest because no matter what the outcome is at the end of the year, as long as I know deep down that i tried my very hardest, I will be accomplished with myself and my achievements.

Now that all the motivation stuff that makes my day a little bit easier I think its time to let you guys inside my head for a little while. Warning: it may be triggering and also may not make a lot of sense but lets see how we go!

In the past 2 weeks, I've let peoples words get to my head and Ive stopped working on my goal that I am so close to achieving. I have never been more tempted to shove my fingers down my throat until the remains in my stomach are nothing but water and things that won't make me gain the kilos i've lost and i'm worried, really worried. Never before have I been the person who would think that I would reach this point but sometimes I think whats the point? The amount of people who come in and out of my life is unfathomable and obviously the problem is me, I mean what else could it be. But although I feel weak as fuck at the moment, I still don't have the strength to do it. No matter how many times I lock myself in the bathroom at the early hours of the morning, nothing just ever works. I end up crying in a ball and think about how useless I've become and how truly weak I am. This is what pisses me off, at school it seems that people think I'm a human too. That no matter what life throws at me I'll be able to handle it because hey thats what Jess does, but I can't do it anymore. I can't keep hiding behind this facade that has worked for me for so many years because its hard. Its hard enough being in a place where you know you don't belong but having to hide and pretend to be someone else? I honestly can't do it anymore. I do want too move, truly I do. But i'm not going to let some stupid bitches who only think about themselves had the satisfaction that they've thrown me out of the picture. Doesn't work that way sweetie, i'm here for the next 8 months and you're going to have to deal with seeing my face around. its not that i have a lot of friends or really anyone at all but more so that i have my other half at that school and no way am i leaving their side when i know that they need me too (no matter how many times they say they don't).

I guess only time will tell and i'm praying to the god that I don't believe in that I will indeed get myself on the path that I need to be.

I hope everyones 2014 is turning out to be everything they hoped and if it isn't, remember: you are in control of your life and you have the ability to make it everything you want it to be :)

Until next time,


Jessica

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staying strong 365 days later

Greetings bloggers who read this (if there are any at all), well it has been a while.

This post is long overdue but honestly my life has been an absolute blur these past couples of months. between christmas, new years, maintaining 2 jobs, having relatives from italy down, my cousin still struggling the mess that is cancer and me being me, i've found it hard to finally have some downtime to myself. So lets give you all a catch up :)

On the 20th of December 2013, i felt the biggest weight off of my shoulders when me and my 'ex' saw each other at a birthday and finally sorted things out. The words "sorry" and "i can't believe i did that to you" are still burned into my brain. Were friends now I guess, as of yet i'm not sure if its a good or bad thing. I'm still deciding. There are days where we will be up till 4am talking about god knows what, and some days its barely even conversation. I still haven't figured out what I want with that part of my life. Is it worth opening that chapter of my life again? Is it even worth contemplating? As of this moment, I'm going to say no for the sole reason that, I just don't feel it. Sure were friends and i'm grateful for that because with the complex situation we are in its way to hard not to be. I just don't know. Maybe its because i've grown up and I've decided I'm not taking anymore of his (or anyones for that matter) shit, or maybe I just don't want to get hurt again. As of now, i'm glad we are talking. Really, i'm so so so lucky that I am one of the few girls that got closure on that part of my life because I know that majority of girls and even guys won't have this opportunity to be at peace. So I will say this, to whoever made it possible for me to finally be able to sleep at night and not worry about how is he doing or if he hates me, I am thankful. (Did just realise that its been a month since we've been talking, woah dude. Weird)

Next comes Christmas and New Years. Honestly, it wasn't bad. Had my aunty not been and still be the biggest bitch in the universe it may've been that smudge better but eh, i can't complain. I got woken up by my little brother at around 8am because its a rule in our house that if both children aren't up then the other cannot open presents. I was spoilt rotten by my family and amazing best friend and ended the day with her. The night was perfect, we did nothing by sit in front of her air conditioner and take selfies on my new iPad mini to fill the blank space.

Happy 2014 everybody! The new year rang in and I felt like crying. I couldn't believe that i lasted the year out when i was so sure i was going to give up. It was such a relief to hear the words "kiss my ass 2013, you are gone", well i mean i exaggerate they weren't the exact words but they sure as hell were the words that I was thinking of. I made a couple of resolutions for the year ahead and I sure as hell am going to keep them. They aren't things that are 'goals' per say but they are a couple of life lessons that 2013 taught me that are going to come in place this year:

1. "Expect nothing and everything happens".

Live this to your fullest ability. Don't expect anything from anyone or anything. Friends included. You know who you can count on and who you can't. Everything happens for a reason and so instead of planning ahead and over analysing like you always do, sit back and see how its supposed to plan out. 

2. "Be happy and let no one stand in your way and fuck the people who do!"

2013 taught me a lot about how people will do anything to get what they want regardless of the consequences. If they don't care than why should I? I spent way to much time in 2013 worrying about how my actions will affect other people but sorry guys, it a'int gonna be that way this time. If you piss me off, you'll know about it. It may be my final year of high school and maybe I shouldn't make any enemies but you know what, if people can walk all over me then I'm going to do the exact same thing. This year is going to be a year where I make myself happy and god knows that I don't need anyone else to do it for me.

3. Reach your goal weight and body shape :) 

With 12kgs already gone, this is the resolution that I am most excited about! Ive already started to notice the difference in not only how people see me but how I see myself and if there is one thing that I'm happy that happened in 2013, it was my determination to turn my life around before it was too late. If you follow me on twitter  you'll know about the love I have for my trainer. She makes me want to be better. Physically and mentally and I thank whoever brought her into my presence.

 (If you don't follow me on twitter, go ahead. I'm taking a 2 week break cos I'm a little sick of people at the moment but if you don't mind waiting, I'm happy to make some new friends!).

Overall though I am extremely impressed with how 2014 is shaping itself out to be. I can already feel the difference in positivity and vibe from 2013 which I am absolutely in love with!

Now to explain the title of this post. If most of you don't know I have a slight obsession with Demi Lovato. For some reason she is the only person that I find comfort in admiring for the sole reason that she proves to the world that she too, is human and goes through things just like each and every one of us. The battles that she has gone through have made me stronger and make me want to be a warrior. For christmas, my cousin (who is now in remission. Fuck you cancer!) and her boyfriend brought me Demi's book and I constantly find myself turning to it whenever I am feeling like actual crap or people have just screwed me over. Whenever I get into my head I sit down and read a few pages and take on the advice that she gives. Im proud to be a Lovatic :)

Until next time,

Love always

Jessica

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Everything happens for a reason?

So honestly, there is not reason to this post except for the fact that my brain and intuitions are telling me things that I don't want to hear. It started a couple of months ago, the constant fear and anxiety that I felt whenever I got close to a person they'd leave just took over my life and I became consumed with making people happy and stupid enough to think that if I kept them happy and made sure that they were okay that they wouldn't leave like everybody else, yet here I am months down the track and I can feel the same thing happening over and over and its gets you thinking after a little while. Maybe its me and not them? Maybe I'm just the type of person who after a while everyone gets sick of and just doesn't want to be around them anymore. Maybe it's something that I'm going to have to learn to deal with no matter the amount of pain, tears and frustrations that it causes me. Its like, you know you have that one person who through thick and thin will always be there and you will always be grateful, but the constant worry that one day they'll tire of you is nauseating. It could be the weather, the constant rain and ice cold breeze just making you think of things that you have tried to push down for so long. It could be the fact that once again I put my faith into people and they, as always, disappoint me. You'd think i'd be used to it by now, considering the absolute mess of a year that I have had but i'm not and I don't think I ever will be. Thats what happens when you care for people who you know are just going to fuck you over, you wait for it to happen and or delude yourself into thinking that "this time will be different", in reality its not and honestly, I don't think it ever will be.

Sitting here typing this, I can't hall but wonder how petite my actual problem is, in comparison to some people who are going through physical hell and don't know if the final breath they'll take tonight before they go to sleep will be their last or if they will be 'blessed' with another day. Does it make me a bad person to wish I was going through physical hell instead of emotional hell? I'd do anything for my brain to just stop, even for a minute. To stop the memories, the words, the insecurities, the self doubt, the thinking, the "you will never be good enough", anything just to have silence for just one minute.

I can't help but think this could be a good thing, that getting fucked over by so many people in my early years will help prepare me for the world outside my personal gates, and that this is only the beginning of what I know I will have to endure in the future but I think it would be nice to for once, not have to worry about everything or over analyse every single fucking situation that I see.

I don't even know anymore, the hurting is just a form of normality for me now and I can't help but wonder when that will change.

Love always,

Jessica

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He's calling out your name..

For the past week or so I've constantly been feeling that life isn't really worth living anymore.

For anyone who knows me personally and are reading this well you know the year I've had, for the people who don't know me, id say that 2013 has been by far the worst year not only for me, but for my friends and especially my family and it's gotten to the point now where I think I can't handle anything else.

My cousin is still currently battling her way through rounds of chemotherapy in the hopes that this nightmare will soon come to an end, I'm still trying to find ways to wake up in the morning reeling from the tremendous amount of losses I have already faced this year. On top of that, I'm alone. Completely and utterly alone with no one to talk too about anyone or anything. My only release that I have at the moment is either going to work because the people there are so lovely and actually seem to care or go to the gym. 

I've currently lost 9kg and I'm proud of myself for staying motivated to make my "ideal self" come true, this is possibly the only thing that is keeping me sane. 

The amount of friends I have lost this year is just something that I would of never thought happier. I've lost my love, my best friend (who was conveniently also my deb partner, yay for still not being able to watch it because all I wanna do is cry) and in the past few days another person who I never would of thought would leave so quickly.

In the span of 6 months, I have lost people who meant the absolute world to me and it seems that whenever I find someone else to find comfort or friendship in, the other one goes down the train. Like a continuous crumble that doesn't want to stop.

Although I may seem strong on the outside, I'm only human. People need to realise that I do feel things and go through things, what because I don't show my emotions at school and act all tough so that no one can see how I'm dying on the inside? I don't think it would take a genious to work out when I'm fine and when I'm not. 

This post was triggered by yet the haunting thoughts that travel through my head every minute, of everyday, of every hour and truthfully it's exhausting to be me sometimes. School, 2 part time jobs, dancing, family commitments, not to factor in the amount of homework and studying I've had to endure.

I'm just tired so so tired and the only thing that I have found a relief in is listening to a song entitled "Brother" originally by Matt Corby covered by Uncle Jed. 

Until next time,

Jessica 

~

Nowadays it just seems like days are just days. There's no "good" days or "bad" days because nothing ever changes. It's just days...

"Friends"

They don't exist.

Psychology 101.

So this post has come at the most random time and to be honest I didn't even intend on writing it until I came across something. I have exams in 2 weeks so I have started to revise/study and the first subject that I chose is Pyschology for the pure reason that there is so much content that it is insane, now my love for psychology isn't the reasoning behind this post, however a point I came across regarding "Prosocial vs Antisocial" is.

Alturism. A simple term meaning that your motive is simply to help others without feeling the need to obtain a gain or reward.

Is it werid that I can connect with such a simple word? I mean, for most of my life - the past 2 years in particular - I have always put others before myself. Always made sure that the majority are okay and that if I was the only one suffering then that would just be the way it was because hey, i'd rather see my friends happy and me sad then vice versa.

Reading/studying up upon this little word, kind of made me feel the need to just type and write and express myself which is strange because i've usually been a quiet person who doesn't really share much with just people. I find different ways to express myself without actually telling somebody that no, i'm not okay. I'll sing or i'll sit on Tumblr, marathon Glee and just die because of the perfection that is Darren Criss, i'll cry (more often than i'd like) or just the way that I will lock myself in my room and continuously scroll through my dashboard on tumblr.

Maybe this is the reason why I have the most random breakdown and emotional stress, maybe its just because I don't really put me first, at all.  I think I need to start doing that, but honestly I dont even know how.

Someone let me know?

Until next time,


Jessica

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