"It takes a strong person to realise that how they're being treated isn't just and an ever stronger person to get the fuck out of there and stand up for themselves…"
2014, what can I say? You've already had your pros and cons, but i think i've finally come to realise that I'm okay with it. In the past 2 weeks, I have learnt things about myself and my so called 'friends' that I wouldn't of know if I hadn't of gone through hardships, but when it comes down to it, the only person you need is yourself.
Fuck the people who judge you or try to make you change, and to the people who try to make you a different version of yourself who the fuck do you think you are? I'm me, 100%, if you don't like it then by all means please leave my life because honestly I don't need you if you certainly don't need me.
Don't get me wrong, I honestly am the luckiest girl in the world right now. I have such a great support behind me and a very special someone who always knows how to pick me up when I feel down but at the end of the day, I'm the one that has to wake up in the morning and start each day over and over again…
The whole 'final year of high school' thing really is the only thing motivating me to get my ass out of bed and try my hardest because no matter what the outcome is at the end of the year, as long as I know deep down that i tried my very hardest, I will be accomplished with myself and my achievements.
Now that all the motivation stuff that makes my day a little bit easier I think its time to let you guys inside my head for a little while. Warning: it may be triggering and also may not make a lot of sense but lets see how we go!
In the past 2 weeks, I've let peoples words get to my head and Ive stopped working on my goal that I am so close to achieving. I have never been more tempted to shove my fingers down my throat until the remains in my stomach are nothing but water and things that won't make me gain the kilos i've lost and i'm worried, really worried. Never before have I been the person who would think that I would reach this point but sometimes I think whats the point? The amount of people who come in and out of my life is unfathomable and obviously the problem is me, I mean what else could it be. But although I feel weak as fuck at the moment, I still don't have the strength to do it. No matter how many times I lock myself in the bathroom at the early hours of the morning, nothing just ever works. I end up crying in a ball and think about how useless I've become and how truly weak I am. This is what pisses me off, at school it seems that people think I'm a human too. That no matter what life throws at me I'll be able to handle it because hey thats what Jess does, but I can't do it anymore. I can't keep hiding behind this facade that has worked for me for so many years because its hard. Its hard enough being in a place where you know you don't belong but having to hide and pretend to be someone else? I honestly can't do it anymore. I do want too move, truly I do. But i'm not going to let some stupid bitches who only think about themselves had the satisfaction that they've thrown me out of the picture. Doesn't work that way sweetie, i'm here for the next 8 months and you're going to have to deal with seeing my face around. its not that i have a lot of friends or really anyone at all but more so that i have my other half at that school and no way am i leaving their side when i know that they need me too (no matter how many times they say they don't).
I guess only time will tell and i'm praying to the god that I don't believe in that I will indeed get myself on the path that I need to be.
I hope everyones 2014 is turning out to be everything they hoped and if it isn't, remember: you are in control of your life and you have the ability to make it everything you want it to be :)
Until next time,
Jessica
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