Everything happens for a reason?

So honestly, there is not reason to this post except for the fact that my brain and intuitions are telling me things that I don't want to hear. It started a couple of months ago, the constant fear and anxiety that I felt whenever I got close to a person they'd leave just took over my life and I became consumed with making people happy and stupid enough to think that if I kept them happy and made sure that they were okay that they wouldn't leave like everybody else, yet here I am months down the track and I can feel the same thing happening over and over and its gets you thinking after a little while. Maybe its me and not them? Maybe I'm just the type of person who after a while everyone gets sick of and just doesn't want to be around them anymore. Maybe it's something that I'm going to have to learn to deal with no matter the amount of pain, tears and frustrations that it causes me. Its like, you know you have that one person who through thick and thin will always be there and you will always be grateful, but the constant worry that one day they'll tire of you is nauseating. It could be the weather, the constant rain and ice cold breeze just making you think of things that you have tried to push down for so long. It could be the fact that once again I put my faith into people and they, as always, disappoint me. You'd think i'd be used to it by now, considering the absolute mess of a year that I have had but i'm not and I don't think I ever will be. Thats what happens when you care for people who you know are just going to fuck you over, you wait for it to happen and or delude yourself into thinking that "this time will be different", in reality its not and honestly, I don't think it ever will be.

Sitting here typing this, I can't hall but wonder how petite my actual problem is, in comparison to some people who are going through physical hell and don't know if the final breath they'll take tonight before they go to sleep will be their last or if they will be 'blessed' with another day. Does it make me a bad person to wish I was going through physical hell instead of emotional hell? I'd do anything for my brain to just stop, even for a minute. To stop the memories, the words, the insecurities, the self doubt, the thinking, the "you will never be good enough", anything just to have silence for just one minute.

I can't help but think this could be a good thing, that getting fucked over by so many people in my early years will help prepare me for the world outside my personal gates, and that this is only the beginning of what I know I will have to endure in the future but I think it would be nice to for once, not have to worry about everything or over analyse every single fucking situation that I see.

I don't even know anymore, the hurting is just a form of normality for me now and I can't help but wonder when that will change.

Love always,

Jessica

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