"It takes a strong person to realise that how they're being treated isn't just and an ever stronger person to get the fuck out of there and stand up for themselves…"
2014, what can I say? You've already had your pros and cons, but i think i've finally come to realise that I'm okay with it. In the past 2 weeks, I have learnt things about myself and my so called 'friends' that I wouldn't of know if I hadn't of gone through hardships, but when it comes down to it, the only person you need is yourself.
Fuck the people who judge you or try to make you change, and to the people who try to make you a different version of yourself who the fuck do you think you are? I'm me, 100%, if you don't like it then by all means please leave my life because honestly I don't need you if you certainly don't need me.
Don't get me wrong, I honestly am the luckiest girl in the world right now. I have such a great support behind me and a very special someone who always knows how to pick me up when I feel down but at the end of the day, I'm the one that has to wake up in the morning and start each day over and over again…
The whole 'final year of high school' thing really is the only thing motivating me to get my ass out of bed and try my hardest because no matter what the outcome is at the end of the year, as long as I know deep down that i tried my very hardest, I will be accomplished with myself and my achievements.
Now that all the motivation stuff that makes my day a little bit easier I think its time to let you guys inside my head for a little while. Warning: it may be triggering and also may not make a lot of sense but lets see how we go!
In the past 2 weeks, I've let peoples words get to my head and Ive stopped working on my goal that I am so close to achieving. I have never been more tempted to shove my fingers down my throat until the remains in my stomach are nothing but water and things that won't make me gain the kilos i've lost and i'm worried, really worried. Never before have I been the person who would think that I would reach this point but sometimes I think whats the point? The amount of people who come in and out of my life is unfathomable and obviously the problem is me, I mean what else could it be. But although I feel weak as fuck at the moment, I still don't have the strength to do it. No matter how many times I lock myself in the bathroom at the early hours of the morning, nothing just ever works. I end up crying in a ball and think about how useless I've become and how truly weak I am. This is what pisses me off, at school it seems that people think I'm a human too. That no matter what life throws at me I'll be able to handle it because hey thats what Jess does, but I can't do it anymore. I can't keep hiding behind this facade that has worked for me for so many years because its hard. Its hard enough being in a place where you know you don't belong but having to hide and pretend to be someone else? I honestly can't do it anymore. I do want too move, truly I do. But i'm not going to let some stupid bitches who only think about themselves had the satisfaction that they've thrown me out of the picture. Doesn't work that way sweetie, i'm here for the next 8 months and you're going to have to deal with seeing my face around. its not that i have a lot of friends or really anyone at all but more so that i have my other half at that school and no way am i leaving their side when i know that they need me too (no matter how many times they say they don't).
I guess only time will tell and i'm praying to the god that I don't believe in that I will indeed get myself on the path that I need to be.
I hope everyones 2014 is turning out to be everything they hoped and if it isn't, remember: you are in control of your life and you have the ability to make it everything you want it to be :)
Until next time,
Jessica
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Monday, 17 February 2014
Monday, 20 January 2014
staying strong 365 days later
Greetings bloggers who read this (if there are any at all), well it has been a while.
This post is long overdue but honestly my life has been an absolute blur these past couples of months. between christmas, new years, maintaining 2 jobs, having relatives from italy down, my cousin still struggling the mess that is cancer and me being me, i've found it hard to finally have some downtime to myself. So lets give you all a catch up :)
On the 20th of December 2013, i felt the biggest weight off of my shoulders when me and my 'ex' saw each other at a birthday and finally sorted things out. The words "sorry" and "i can't believe i did that to you" are still burned into my brain. Were friends now I guess, as of yet i'm not sure if its a good or bad thing. I'm still deciding. There are days where we will be up till 4am talking about god knows what, and some days its barely even conversation. I still haven't figured out what I want with that part of my life. Is it worth opening that chapter of my life again? Is it even worth contemplating? As of this moment, I'm going to say no for the sole reason that, I just don't feel it. Sure were friends and i'm grateful for that because with the complex situation we are in its way to hard not to be. I just don't know. Maybe its because i've grown up and I've decided I'm not taking anymore of his (or anyones for that matter) shit, or maybe I just don't want to get hurt again. As of now, i'm glad we are talking. Really, i'm so so so lucky that I am one of the few girls that got closure on that part of my life because I know that majority of girls and even guys won't have this opportunity to be at peace. So I will say this, to whoever made it possible for me to finally be able to sleep at night and not worry about how is he doing or if he hates me, I am thankful. (Did just realise that its been a month since we've been talking, woah dude. Weird)
Next comes Christmas and New Years. Honestly, it wasn't bad. Had my aunty not been and still be the biggest bitch in the universe it may've been that smudge better but eh, i can't complain. I got woken up by my little brother at around 8am because its a rule in our house that if both children aren't up then the other cannot open presents. I was spoilt rotten by my family and amazing best friend and ended the day with her. The night was perfect, we did nothing by sit in front of her air conditioner and take selfies on my new iPad mini to fill the blank space.
Happy 2014 everybody! The new year rang in and I felt like crying. I couldn't believe that i lasted the year out when i was so sure i was going to give up. It was such a relief to hear the words "kiss my ass 2013, you are gone", well i mean i exaggerate they weren't the exact words but they sure as hell were the words that I was thinking of. I made a couple of resolutions for the year ahead and I sure as hell am going to keep them. They aren't things that are 'goals' per say but they are a couple of life lessons that 2013 taught me that are going to come in place this year:
Overall though I am extremely impressed with how 2014 is shaping itself out to be. I can already feel the difference in positivity and vibe from 2013 which I am absolutely in love with!
Now to explain the title of this post. If most of you don't know I have a slight obsession with Demi Lovato. For some reason she is the only person that I find comfort in admiring for the sole reason that she proves to the world that she too, is human and goes through things just like each and every one of us. The battles that she has gone through have made me stronger and make me want to be a warrior. For christmas, my cousin (who is now in remission. Fuck you cancer!) and her boyfriend brought me Demi's book and I constantly find myself turning to it whenever I am feeling like actual crap or people have just screwed me over. Whenever I get into my head I sit down and read a few pages and take on the advice that she gives. Im proud to be a Lovatic :)
Until next time,
Love always
Jessica
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This post is long overdue but honestly my life has been an absolute blur these past couples of months. between christmas, new years, maintaining 2 jobs, having relatives from italy down, my cousin still struggling the mess that is cancer and me being me, i've found it hard to finally have some downtime to myself. So lets give you all a catch up :)
On the 20th of December 2013, i felt the biggest weight off of my shoulders when me and my 'ex' saw each other at a birthday and finally sorted things out. The words "sorry" and "i can't believe i did that to you" are still burned into my brain. Were friends now I guess, as of yet i'm not sure if its a good or bad thing. I'm still deciding. There are days where we will be up till 4am talking about god knows what, and some days its barely even conversation. I still haven't figured out what I want with that part of my life. Is it worth opening that chapter of my life again? Is it even worth contemplating? As of this moment, I'm going to say no for the sole reason that, I just don't feel it. Sure were friends and i'm grateful for that because with the complex situation we are in its way to hard not to be. I just don't know. Maybe its because i've grown up and I've decided I'm not taking anymore of his (or anyones for that matter) shit, or maybe I just don't want to get hurt again. As of now, i'm glad we are talking. Really, i'm so so so lucky that I am one of the few girls that got closure on that part of my life because I know that majority of girls and even guys won't have this opportunity to be at peace. So I will say this, to whoever made it possible for me to finally be able to sleep at night and not worry about how is he doing or if he hates me, I am thankful. (Did just realise that its been a month since we've been talking, woah dude. Weird)
Next comes Christmas and New Years. Honestly, it wasn't bad. Had my aunty not been and still be the biggest bitch in the universe it may've been that smudge better but eh, i can't complain. I got woken up by my little brother at around 8am because its a rule in our house that if both children aren't up then the other cannot open presents. I was spoilt rotten by my family and amazing best friend and ended the day with her. The night was perfect, we did nothing by sit in front of her air conditioner and take selfies on my new iPad mini to fill the blank space.
Happy 2014 everybody! The new year rang in and I felt like crying. I couldn't believe that i lasted the year out when i was so sure i was going to give up. It was such a relief to hear the words "kiss my ass 2013, you are gone", well i mean i exaggerate they weren't the exact words but they sure as hell were the words that I was thinking of. I made a couple of resolutions for the year ahead and I sure as hell am going to keep them. They aren't things that are 'goals' per say but they are a couple of life lessons that 2013 taught me that are going to come in place this year:
1. "Expect nothing and everything happens".
Live this to your fullest ability. Don't expect anything from anyone or anything. Friends included. You know who you can count on and who you can't. Everything happens for a reason and so instead of planning ahead and over analysing like you always do, sit back and see how its supposed to plan out.
2. "Be happy and let no one stand in your way and fuck the people who do!"
2013 taught me a lot about how people will do anything to get what they want regardless of the consequences. If they don't care than why should I? I spent way to much time in 2013 worrying about how my actions will affect other people but sorry guys, it a'int gonna be that way this time. If you piss me off, you'll know about it. It may be my final year of high school and maybe I shouldn't make any enemies but you know what, if people can walk all over me then I'm going to do the exact same thing. This year is going to be a year where I make myself happy and god knows that I don't need anyone else to do it for me.
3. Reach your goal weight and body shape :)
With 12kgs already gone, this is the resolution that I am most excited about! Ive already started to notice the difference in not only how people see me but how I see myself and if there is one thing that I'm happy that happened in 2013, it was my determination to turn my life around before it was too late. If you follow me on twitter you'll know about the love I have for my trainer. She makes me want to be better. Physically and mentally and I thank whoever brought her into my presence.
(If you don't follow me on twitter, go ahead. I'm taking a 2 week break cos I'm a little sick of people at the moment but if you don't mind waiting, I'm happy to make some new friends!).
Now to explain the title of this post. If most of you don't know I have a slight obsession with Demi Lovato. For some reason she is the only person that I find comfort in admiring for the sole reason that she proves to the world that she too, is human and goes through things just like each and every one of us. The battles that she has gone through have made me stronger and make me want to be a warrior. For christmas, my cousin (who is now in remission. Fuck you cancer!) and her boyfriend brought me Demi's book and I constantly find myself turning to it whenever I am feeling like actual crap or people have just screwed me over. Whenever I get into my head I sit down and read a few pages and take on the advice that she gives. Im proud to be a Lovatic :)
Until next time,
Love always
Jessica
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