Everything happens for a reason?

So honestly, there is not reason to this post except for the fact that my brain and intuitions are telling me things that I don't want to hear. It started a couple of months ago, the constant fear and anxiety that I felt whenever I got close to a person they'd leave just took over my life and I became consumed with making people happy and stupid enough to think that if I kept them happy and made sure that they were okay that they wouldn't leave like everybody else, yet here I am months down the track and I can feel the same thing happening over and over and its gets you thinking after a little while. Maybe its me and not them? Maybe I'm just the type of person who after a while everyone gets sick of and just doesn't want to be around them anymore. Maybe it's something that I'm going to have to learn to deal with no matter the amount of pain, tears and frustrations that it causes me. Its like, you know you have that one person who through thick and thin will always be there and you will always be grateful, but the constant worry that one day they'll tire of you is nauseating. It could be the weather, the constant rain and ice cold breeze just making you think of things that you have tried to push down for so long. It could be the fact that once again I put my faith into people and they, as always, disappoint me. You'd think i'd be used to it by now, considering the absolute mess of a year that I have had but i'm not and I don't think I ever will be. Thats what happens when you care for people who you know are just going to fuck you over, you wait for it to happen and or delude yourself into thinking that "this time will be different", in reality its not and honestly, I don't think it ever will be.

Sitting here typing this, I can't hall but wonder how petite my actual problem is, in comparison to some people who are going through physical hell and don't know if the final breath they'll take tonight before they go to sleep will be their last or if they will be 'blessed' with another day. Does it make me a bad person to wish I was going through physical hell instead of emotional hell? I'd do anything for my brain to just stop, even for a minute. To stop the memories, the words, the insecurities, the self doubt, the thinking, the "you will never be good enough", anything just to have silence for just one minute.

I can't help but think this could be a good thing, that getting fucked over by so many people in my early years will help prepare me for the world outside my personal gates, and that this is only the beginning of what I know I will have to endure in the future but I think it would be nice to for once, not have to worry about everything or over analyse every single fucking situation that I see.

I don't even know anymore, the hurting is just a form of normality for me now and I can't help but wonder when that will change.

Love always,

Jessica

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He's calling out your name..

For the past week or so I've constantly been feeling that life isn't really worth living anymore.

For anyone who knows me personally and are reading this well you know the year I've had, for the people who don't know me, id say that 2013 has been by far the worst year not only for me, but for my friends and especially my family and it's gotten to the point now where I think I can't handle anything else.

My cousin is still currently battling her way through rounds of chemotherapy in the hopes that this nightmare will soon come to an end, I'm still trying to find ways to wake up in the morning reeling from the tremendous amount of losses I have already faced this year. On top of that, I'm alone. Completely and utterly alone with no one to talk too about anyone or anything. My only release that I have at the moment is either going to work because the people there are so lovely and actually seem to care or go to the gym. 

I've currently lost 9kg and I'm proud of myself for staying motivated to make my "ideal self" come true, this is possibly the only thing that is keeping me sane. 

The amount of friends I have lost this year is just something that I would of never thought happier. I've lost my love, my best friend (who was conveniently also my deb partner, yay for still not being able to watch it because all I wanna do is cry) and in the past few days another person who I never would of thought would leave so quickly.

In the span of 6 months, I have lost people who meant the absolute world to me and it seems that whenever I find someone else to find comfort or friendship in, the other one goes down the train. Like a continuous crumble that doesn't want to stop.

Although I may seem strong on the outside, I'm only human. People need to realise that I do feel things and go through things, what because I don't show my emotions at school and act all tough so that no one can see how I'm dying on the inside? I don't think it would take a genious to work out when I'm fine and when I'm not. 

This post was triggered by yet the haunting thoughts that travel through my head every minute, of everyday, of every hour and truthfully it's exhausting to be me sometimes. School, 2 part time jobs, dancing, family commitments, not to factor in the amount of homework and studying I've had to endure.

I'm just tired so so tired and the only thing that I have found a relief in is listening to a song entitled "Brother" originally by Matt Corby covered by Uncle Jed. 

Until next time,

Jessica 

~

Nowadays it just seems like days are just days. There's no "good" days or "bad" days because nothing ever changes. It's just days...

"Friends"

They don't exist.

Psychology 101.

So this post has come at the most random time and to be honest I didn't even intend on writing it until I came across something. I have exams in 2 weeks so I have started to revise/study and the first subject that I chose is Pyschology for the pure reason that there is so much content that it is insane, now my love for psychology isn't the reasoning behind this post, however a point I came across regarding "Prosocial vs Antisocial" is.

Alturism. A simple term meaning that your motive is simply to help others without feeling the need to obtain a gain or reward.

Is it werid that I can connect with such a simple word? I mean, for most of my life - the past 2 years in particular - I have always put others before myself. Always made sure that the majority are okay and that if I was the only one suffering then that would just be the way it was because hey, i'd rather see my friends happy and me sad then vice versa.

Reading/studying up upon this little word, kind of made me feel the need to just type and write and express myself which is strange because i've usually been a quiet person who doesn't really share much with just people. I find different ways to express myself without actually telling somebody that no, i'm not okay. I'll sing or i'll sit on Tumblr, marathon Glee and just die because of the perfection that is Darren Criss, i'll cry (more often than i'd like) or just the way that I will lock myself in my room and continuously scroll through my dashboard on tumblr.

Maybe this is the reason why I have the most random breakdown and emotional stress, maybe its just because I don't really put me first, at all.  I think I need to start doing that, but honestly I dont even know how.

Someone let me know?

Until next time,


Jessica

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Is anyone in my corner?

Friday 18th October, 2013. 

Funny thing life is. Funny thing what friends are. Funny thing what trust means. 

I don't really know what the point of this post is, i think its because at this time, at this very moment, I have never felt as alone as I do right now. 

This week has been interesting, I think that's the best word to describe it. I could use words like complicated, repetitive, constant, battle between heart and head, emotional, but why? It's not as if anyone considers my feelings first anyway. No matter how 'good' I try to be, people just continue to see the things that I fucked up on. I get it, I fuck up. A lot. But I'm only human, and yet I don't hold every single fuck up over your head do i?

For the past couple of months I have been missing someone who made me feel that I wasn't useless, that I didn't fuck up every single day of my life, someone who cared yet every morning I go to school with a smile on my face and put on this act so that no one sees the way I truly am. Truth is, I'm heartbroken. No matter how much I tell myself that "he isn't worth it" or "you'll find someone better, someone who wont leave so unexpectedly", I'm constantly reminiscing on the way he used to hold my hand when we walked down to my house those early morning, the way he'd always ask how I was, how he'd always have an instant coffee with no sugar, no milk, just hot water and coffee, the way whenever I'd go to move from when we were cuddling he'd always pull be back down. All that romantic stuff aside, I miss him. I miss the talks, the long conversations until 3am, the hour long Skype sessions, just having a person who I knew would always be in my corner.

Its a funny thought though, that you think you have so many people who will always back you up and be in "your corner' yet when it comes down to it, you have nobody at all. Maybe its the fact that I'm loud more then I'm quiet, or that I scream every Friday around 1pm when Glee is on in America and I'm torn between waiting until I get home to watch it and be spoiler, or jump on twitter and see what everyone is saying. It could be these little things that people at school just think I am all the time, or maybe it's just the plain fact that maybe I'm not that good of a person that I think i am. Maybe I'm not there for my friends, or my family, or for anybody who needs someone to vent to or ask for advice, maybe it's all my fault that this year is just crumbling like an avalanche that has no purpose of stopping anytime soon. Maybe I was just meant to be back stabbed and hurt and not thought of in all my friends eyes. Maybe they think that just because I don't show weakness at school they can treat me the way they do and I'll still be there. But the thing is, I don't know how much longer I can handle sitting in a group and feeling that I don't belong there. Maybe my path in life or thoughts or whatever the fuck my brain is doing is telling me that I need to open my voice, but I'm scared. I'm scared of seeming weak, because the second I open my mouth is the second the water starts leaking from my eyes.

God, this entire post is all over the place at the moment but hey, so is my life.

I could go on forever and maybe these posts will start to become more constant now in hope there is one person out there that can relate to how I'm feeling.

I don't even know anymore.

All i know is that i just want last year back.

To whoever has read this, thank you for listening and please if you ever want someone to talk to, come speak to me. I'm a quite a nice person once you break my shell.

Until next time,

Jessica.

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The big 'C' word.

September 15th, 2013. 


Last night I went and visited my cousin who has recently been diagnosed with Lymphoma (a kind of cancer) for the first time. As I walked into the door of a house that I have been in over 100's of times you could already tell that things were different. Tension, anger, frustration but yet positivity and hope along with many other emotions are all I could feel as I stepped foot into that house. She was asleep when we arrived so I sat at the kitchen bench with my Mum, Zia and Nonna hovering around me. My Nonna didn't realise what was going on as she didn't know the diagnosis as of yet,  but you could tell she knew something was up. My aunty told her within the first 10 minutes of our arrival and Nonna's jaw literally dropped. How are you supposed to react when your told your 24 year old grand daughter has cancer?

I found out Monday night, my mum apparently knew for 2 weeks prior to me finding out but she said she didnt want to tell me what happened because I had a performance at school.

When I found out I was in shock. I balled my eyes out for the entire night. My best friend came over and stayed the night because I didn't want to be alone. I don't know what I would've done if she didn't offer. That entire family is such a great support for me and I don't know what I would do without them.

This post is all over the place but I guess so are my thoughts.

When she came out of her room or lounge room, I cant really remember with short hair and a tired face, my heart broke. Her once energetic and bright face was now tired, pale and exhausted. Her boyfriend was there and for the first time I'm glad he was present because he is going to be one of the biggest support systems she will have within the next couple of months.

She explained to me her chemo, all the needles and chemicals that were injected into her now fragile body and it still didn't really sink into me that she was battling through this horrific disease.

But we have hope.

We know she is going to come out of this and this obstacle is not only going to make her stronger as a person, but us as a family. This isn't the first time the word "cancer' has made its way into our family but it better be the last.

The only thing I need to worry about as of now is that my cousin gets better.

I need to figure out a way to make sure positive thoughts are the only thing that I am thinking of and i'm scared because I am not a positive person.

Maybe this is the wake up call I needed to realise that you can never expect anything in life.

This week has been terrible. Emotionally, physically and mentally.

I am hoping for a positive week and I am hopefully, going to make it a reality.

Introducing Me c:

To whoever read this boring old blog,

Hi! I'm Jessica, a seventeen girl from Melbourne.

I dont really have an idea or a reason why I have started to write this blog but i've decided to let you in one the small things in my life. It won't always be pretty, in fact, most of the time it'll be sadness that i'll be telling you all about because my life's kinda everywhere at the moment and I think I just need another outlet.

I'm trying to figure everything out about how to make everything look nice, so forgive me if everything is everywhere.

I guess I should tell you all about me huh?
10 Random things about me:
1. Im an introvert.
2. I love Vampire weekend :)
3. I go to a private co-ed school down in Melbourne.
4. Im an ambassador for the Melbourne Theatre Company.
5. Im a gemini.
6. I only had my first kiss this year (I was 16).
7. I love reading. Books are my escape.
8. I have the most amazing best friend and friends in the world. Im very lucky for them. They keep me going.
9. I admire Glee, Darren Criss is my idol.
10. I'm a hopeless romantic.

I dont know what else to say so I might end it here,

Until next time,


Simply Jessica